The point is not presents presence
We were driving through our quaint New England town the week before Thanksgiving.
“Look at that house! Mom, we need to decorate for Christmas!”
My sixteen year-old daughter had been playing Christmas music since July.
I had an immediate physiological response. Heartburn, I believe.
“No,” I said. “It feels like a violation to decorate the house for Christmas before we’ve even had Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving. That would just ruin it.”
Obviously Christmas is still magical for my growing teen. Couldn’t I just appreciate the joy of this season?
Besides violating some (religious? commercial?) order of things I thought about why I was so resistant to ushering in the Christmas (for our family) holiday season too soon. I love Thanksgiving. And many other people I know love Thanksgiving. I think its because (despite its inauthentic origins) its present-day meaning represents, to many of us, a time to gather, slow down, make it about food and yes, giving thanks. It is not “ruined” by unbridled commercialism and the wave of stress that the Christmas frenzy seems to bring for many of us.
In fact, the holiday season is a mixed bag for many. It can be a very somber season amplifying the loneliness and isolation that many people feel year-round. It can be devastating to face for those who have lost loved ones for whom they ache to share another holiday. And for many of us it is an endless to-do list to add to an already busy life. Much of the to-do’s falling on the women I know.
Did the Christmas card photo get done in time to be transformed into a card, to be mailed early enough that it will actually arrive before Christmas? Oh wait, damn, I don’t think we have a single photo of all us together in one place. How did I forget to do this again? Mine are always late anyway. Can I just skip the Christmas card this year?
Teacher gifts. Thank goodness my kids are past that stage. But seriously, I really do want to let their teachers know how much I appreciate them. A donation? Surely they don’t need another plant or mug. That reminds me…
Office Yankee swap! This always seems to fall at the busiest week of the season. And I have no idea what most of my colleagues might enjoy for less than 20 dollars. But I do want these people I spend so much time rushing around, bumping into at the copy machine, and haggling in meetings, to know that I do enjoy their company and love it when life isn’t just a transaction. Its great when we can relax and share a cup of cheer. If I had things together more I would have already made Limoncello and or cookies….
Speaking of cookies. Damn! I need to get all the ingredients and I should do a variety, but Dad’s Russian tea cake recipe is the easiest (not to mention the least messy) and, well, I know my neighbor loves them. But we also have new neighbors I really want to reach out to, and oh my gosh how many cookies is that? And how many is okay to give on a tray because I feel like they already give me way more than I give them? And…
is it okay to bring cookies to the Christmas party?
“No, you were hoping I’ll make the sweet potato gnocchi?”
“Of course, I will bring it!”
Forget those hours of labor and two cooking mediums it takes to complete.
Because I love you. And I love that my friends love my gnocchi, (I mean epicurious’ gnochhi). And what the hell, I was only going to grade today, and finish hanging lights, (BTW the lights I ordered on sale after last Christmas turned out to be amber not white and the thing is that does not work!) and setting up the Dicken’s village, and, shit, Mom flies in on Wednesday so I need to make sure her room is ready because this week is going to fly. Which reminds me, is it okay to ask if Mom can come to the other Christmas parties? She’s come all this way. I know. I know. These are not real problems.
But the list does go on and I haven’t even gotten to planning the Christmas meal, corralling my growing children to Mass so that they haven’t forgotten what is really being celebrated here, and trying to be somewhat even handed about gifts to loved ones, including those nieces and nephews who live thousands of miles away. Thank goodness for Amazon delivery!
Let’s face it, this season is stressful. It’s no wonder so many of us prefer to treasure Thanksgiving holding a stiff arm up to madness of December.
So I’m going to rewind on this self-induced stress and try to reclaim for myself what is so magical for my daughter. In fact, I’m going to draw once again from the very lessons I teach to re-center myself during this season. (Oh it is hard to practice what you preach). I research and write about communication. In particular, dialogue. And by that I mean something beyond talking to someone. I mean a turning towards someone, being open, listening, being present physically and mentally.
I do believe it is the presence not the presents that my family loves.
I didn’t get to cards, but I can send a quick text to say I loved yours and I am thinking of you too. “I’m not doing cards this year but I do appreciate being on your list! Thank you.” I didn’t get to the teacher gifts, but I think they’d rather have a note from my kids anyway. And it doesn’t have to be at Christmas. Note to self: should let that history teacher know how great I thought the assignment was and how much Maddie learned. And my office Yankee Swap, I’m sure they don’t care much about the silly gift. It probably does matter that I go and share an unhurried moment.
I could use it to.
The cooking. The parties. The presents. They have the potential to move us away from the point. The point is the giving is about acknowledging the presence of people in our lives. For many, it is acknowledging an important spiritual presence. Even for the non or less religious, for those who celebrate this season in all of its forms, it is about rituals and rites that make us feel a part of something–belonging and connection to each other.
It was never about the Red Rider bb gun in the classic A Christmas Story; it was always about the time after the frenzy of present opening. The more important moment happens when the parents are sitting on the couch in their robes, drinking a glass of wine, while staring at the tree, their children quiet, and crashed out. Nothing is happening (though the sparkling lights do add to the magic). They aren’t even watching a movie or playing a board game. It is about that slow moment — that moment of turning toward each other and just being present for those we love.
I should have figured this out sooner. It wasn’t the trip into NYC the first week of December that made my get-away with my daughter. It wasn’t seeing the Rockefeller Christmas tree. It was the four-hour train ride into the city, where we shared a seat and she shared her head phones to listen to her favorite music. It was the looping of arms as we tried not to get separated while we navigated the crowded, zoo-like streets. I’m sometimes so worried about planning the event – the trip, the shopping, the show, that I miss the gem of the experience–the connection.
That’s the spirit I am trying to take into this season. I’m going to worry less about getting my to-do list done and think more about authentic moments of magic that happen when we turn towards each other.
I’m wishing for you this moment too!
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